Doreen Muyonga
Sibling rivalry is not new in many home settings.Take an example of Jeffah and his elder brother who have always been rivaling since their childhood.
“My elder brother and I were rarely compatible because of our differences in character, friends and interests. We hoped things would improve in future, but they did not,” begins Jeffah.
He accuses elder brother of many things: “He never wanted me to progress in life, destroyed my marriage, and mismanaged our family business that later collapsed. He even sold our late father’s land and properties leaving me with nothing.”
To recover the part of their properties, Jeffah sought court’s intervention without success. He suspects since his elder brother had money and well connected, he might have bribed and scattered all the court cases that he lodged.
Beaten, Jeffah sought refuge at a friend’s home who helped him a job and moved on with his life.
Jeffah and his elder brother’s case are not in isolation. Truth be told, most people don’t get along and have little in common with their siblings.
According to a recent survey by Karen Doherty a renowned psychologist, 75 percent of us have a strained relationship with our brothers or sisters.
The sad bit of it is that sibling rivalry has been accepted as a normal state of affairs with family experts underemphasizing sibling relationship and instead concentrating on parents and children and husbands and wives.
It is no wonder that Doherty equates sibling rivalry to a festering wound. “It sours relationships to the point where we can’t bear the idea of our siblings being successful or even happy and instead takes pleasure in their failures,” states Doherty.
“I hated my elder brother so much that we hadn’t spoken for 10 years. News of his death came though came as a shock, it however never provoked my tears or even a sense of grief,” reveals, Andrew.
Andrew, 35 recalls how his own brother had turned his parents against him and hated his wife and children and had even attempted witchcraft to get rid of them.
He recalls: “I was struggling with so many things, I was helpless, I never thought my brother would go to an extend of setting my house on fire, we had to flee for our lives and start all over again far away.”
The custom that an elder son succeeds his father reaffirms the belief that the eldest is physically stronger, more competent and knowledgeable than the younger ones merely because of the difference in age.
Western cultures obsession with sibling rivalry began with the story of Cain and Abel. Therapists and lay people tend to view the relationship largely as one of struggle and controversy.
However, there is a consensus among clinicians and developmental psychologists that the sibling bond is complicated, fluid, and influenced by many factors.
Parental treatment, genetics, gender, life events, ethnic and generational patterns, people and experiences outside the family all contribute to the success or failure of a particular sibling connection.
Nairobi residents have own views on this matter. Speaking to them, it reveals variety of emotions and shocking revelations. Some tried to diminish the relationship by emphasizing the importance of friends and spouses instead.
Some described the horrors of growing up under the same roof. Others became very analytical piecing together all that went wrong between them thereby detailing the impossibility of ever finding common ground.
Sarah, 28 narrates how she attempted to seek refuge at her elder brothers’ house after she lost her job and her career crashed. “I pleaded with him to help me find a job or start a business so that I could support myself, he was not interested and he provoked a fight, assaulted me and threw me out of his house. It was traumatizing, I was torn apart and am yet to come to terms with the incident,” she narrates the ordeal.
Lydia Kendi a psychologist reveals that jealousy between siblings is a normal part of human nature but when that turns into envy it brings out the absolute worst in people.
“Parents are responsible for sowing the seeds of tension that extends far beyond the playground,” explains Kendi.
The psychologist attributes sibling rivalry majorly to parents’ quest for material things therefore unable to objectively arbitrate.
Kendi recommends that there is need for parents to try and manage early sibling rivalry to avoid a damaging effect.
She advises: “One way is to celebrate each child’s uniqueness and abilities so that all achievements are shared and enjoyed. Parents should avoid comparing children and having favorites.”
